Simple rules for baseball viewing, part II

This will be the second in a series of rules for the viewing and enjoyment of live baseball. Eventually, these guidelines will expand to include home or sports bar fandom as well, but for now let's keep the focus narrow.

First, let's just review the most important rule from part I - SIT THE FUCK DOWN! Once in the stands, find your seat and park your ass. DO NOT stand up and discuss your beer choices, hug your neighbor, talk about the latest gossip or in any way, shape or form obscure my view of the playing field, or else I will hurl peanuts and insults at your head.

Now that we've got that straight, we'll move on to the next installment.

Part II

1) If you are going to be at the game, be at the game. Don't go to Fenway or Minute Maid to socialize with your friends and dick around with your new camera phone. Go to the park to watch baseball. Some socializing is great - provided it pertains to some aspect of baseball or something else going on in the stadium. But if you're ignoring the game - why the fuck are you there? Cheaper places to giggle over boys exist, and then you won't be annoying me with your annyong adolescent chicanery.

2) Get your beer before the middle of the seventh, 'cause once the first pitch of the eighth inning is thrown, you're shit outta luck. No mas Corona! And if you miss your window for purchasing beer, don't whine. It just makes you look like a douche.

3) Support your team, whether they are playing at home or away. Clap spontaneously when your pitcher has two out, a full count and two guys on base. Holler out his name to let him know you care. Yell insults at the umpire (commonly known as 'blue') when the call goes the wrong way. Don't wait for the stupid organist or the jumbotron to urge you to 'get loud' - do it yourself. If your team is the home team, don't let those cocksucking Cubbie/Yankee/Tribe/BoSox fans be louder than the home fans! Get riled! Drown those idiots out, damn it! If your team is the visiting team, you know that your boys are clearly better and you are a better, more dedicated fan than those losers! Drown out the home crowd - the visitor's fans can and will start a longer, louder chant than the home team's yahoos.

4) Buy logo gear and wear it. The saddest thing I've ever seen is an Abercrombie and Fitch baseball cap turned inside out as a rally cap. What the fuck? If you are dedicated enough to wear the rally cap, you should be dedicated enough to buy a $20 cap. Besides, a cotton MLB cap is probably less expensive than the damn A&F hat anyway. Looks cooler, too.

5) Don't leave. There are nine innings in baseball, and your ticket won't be pro-rated if you only watch seven. Furthermore, great things can happen in the late innings. So what your team is down three runs in the bottom of the ninth! Morgan Ensberg or Trot Nixon or A-rod might just hit a walk off grand slam - and if you leave you won't get to see it. And what is the fun in that? Besides, I will ridicule you to no end if I see you leaving. Freaking fair weather fan!