bad call days

When call is bad, it is just so freaking bad. Thankfully, it was my last call ever. That's right - EVER! But damn it, did it have to be as bad as it fucking was?!?

We got a 1800+ gram premature baby at about 11am. He was dead by 615pm. Babies that large (and as old as he was - 29 weeks by exam) - aren't supposed to do that badly. But this kiddo had a lot of things stacked against him - mother had no prenatal care, baby didn't get steroids prior to delivery, he was born to a mother who'd already lost several pregnancies. But still. I've never had to do chest compressions before - and God help me, I never want to do them again. It's terrifying! Am I compressing the chest enough? Am I in the right spot? Am I actually circulating any blood?

The first two times we coded the child, he came back. I did 5 minutes of chest compressions and suddenly the heart rate popped back up where it was supposed to be. Twice. Then the last time, he just... pooped out. No resurgence in heart rate, no nothing.

And of course, that time, my fellow wasn't there. I had no backup. It was freaking fantastic.

Eventually the fellow came back to the NICU, and we gave more medicine, but nothing helped. He died. It sucked.

It was my last call ever, and I never want another one like it. If I go crazy and change residencies and have to do this whole damn thing over again - I never want a call like that again.