Saturday, October 22, 2005

Rule for baseball viewing (continued) post-season edition

1) Sit in your seat. Poaching is just bad form in October. We all paid enough for our tickets, let us enjoy our reward.

2) Two words: logo gear. The only exception to this rule is for costumes. If you're dressed up as a bee, we know what side you're on. If you're in jeans and a Polo shirt, we don't know if we should boo at you or high five with you. These things are important, damn it!

3) Get to the park early, and for Christ's sake, don't be late. Let me repeat: DON'T BE LATE! Baseball parks should have stand-by lists - if you're not in your seat (or at least in the park) by the end of the first inning, the seat should be released to one of us who would give our left tit to see the game.

4) Don't drive. 'Cause, c'mon, you will be drinking. If your team is winning, you'll be celebrating. If your team is losing, you need something to cry in. And if you're drinking, don't drive. Simple.

5) If, perhaps, you're overweight and, perhaps, your ass is bigger than your seat - don't whine about it. How many times have I heard folks complain that the seats at Fenway are too narrow? Many. How many times have I thought that the problem wasn't the seat but the ass sitting in it? Every damn time. As an entire society, we need to get on a diet and move our asses over to the gym. Let's get a move on, people! The seats fit our asses just fine in 1918.

6) If you're more excited about the gimmicky shit on the Jumbo-tron than the pitch count, go home and watch the game on TV, douchebag. Get your ass out of the seat - a real fan needs it.

7) Let me repeat once again - SIT THE FUCK DOWN!

8) Signs are good. So are big foam fingers, painted faces, costumes and babies in logo gear.

9) Pick a damn side. It's the playoffs, and by now you only have two options. It's not hard, I promise - flip a damn coin if you need to.

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