Monday, March 20, 2006

Warning - gonna talk about the empty net

So if you don't wanna hear about blood, pain or the nature of Aunt Flo - for Pete's sake leave! Or better yet, go see Dave. Besides, he's way funnier than I am. And he may someday rule the world.

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Okay, so for the brave few that have continued to read - Aunt Flo came to visit yesterday for the first time in three years. Now, I guess she's necessary for the whole 'lets have us some babies' deal, but she's still not a welcome houseguest. I have NOT missed her. I never bled through anything, I never had to go back home after I've already left in order to get my freaking 'supplies' (tampons people, tampons!) and I never had cramps.

Paradise. Freaking paradise.

Now, not so much. And just to make things worse, she's badder and bigger than ever. I am bleeding like a stuck pig. Since you can't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die, I am definitely NOT trustworthy. At this point, I don't trust myself. I'm going through my supplies so fast I keep on messing up and bleeding on things that shouldn't be bled upon.

People, this ain't normal.

And the cramping. Oh, Lordy. The cramping. I know people with fibroids will laugh at me and pregnant ladies will tell me that I have no idea what pelvic fullness really feels like, let alone pelvic contractions, but damn - for this amount of discomfort I better be birthing a bloody baby!*

So I'm gonna be pissed if we don't conceive relatively fast. Not 'cause I wanna get on with this whole life plan, hey - but 'cause then I can put the IUD back in and Aunt Flo can just fuck right off.

* Sorry for the run on sentence. I couldn't help myself. I'm not sorry for the alliteration. I didn't set out to do that, but I'm pleased with it. So there.

4 comments:

Dave2 said...

I went to visit Dave's blog, but I'd seen it all before so I came back.

Your Aunt Flo sounds like a real bitch to cause you so much discomfort and stress. I mean, really... stealing your tampons and sticking you like a pig so that you bleed all over the place... what kind of aunt is she? I still don't quite understand how she gave you cramps (did she undercook the chicken perhaps?) but I would suspect that she did it on purpose. The next time she knocks on your door, I think you should just refuse to answer. Maybe she'll give up, get the hint, and stay away.

Eileen the Jellomonster said...

Damn, girlfriend.

Reading this reminds me of just how happy I am to have had all that shit yanked out six years ago.

And even though I had fibroids and other hellish things, I would never tell you "you have no idea," 'cause this shit hurts, no matter what.

Hang in there.

Love,
Ween

Karla said...

oh I so know what you are going through. This, to me, even though I am atheist (mostly) tells me God is a man, because this part of ebing a woman SUCKS ASS.

I just went back ON the pill to get a break from it all. (Not working so well, as now I am just continually spotting, and my tits are HUGE, but I hope that will all go away after the adjustment period. In the meantime, hello D cups!)

I love your line about not trusting something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

I'll be on the pill for 6-12 months or so, then give the kid thing one more last ditch effort. AFter that, man, forget it. I don't need the bother. It just gets WORSE after 35. Ever hear the term perimenopause? Yeah, cramps, periods AND night sweats. Niiice.

Dave is SUCH a girl, in't he?

karla said...

Oh, come on. You need to focus on the upside of heavy bleeding and painful cramping. You know, the fun aspects of it! Like...hmmm. Well.

Crap. If my mom were here, she'd know how to put a positive spin on this. She could find the bright side in being trapped in a dumpster for 4 days with an angry hobo.

So I can't think of an upside to it. Ooh, wait! I thought of one! You got a blog post out of it.

Hey, it was the best I could do.

Hope you feel better soon.