Warning - gonna talk about the empty net

So if you don't wanna hear about blood, pain or the nature of Aunt Flo - for Pete's sake leave! Or better yet, go see Dave. Besides, he's way funnier than I am. And he may someday rule the world.

****

Okay, so for the brave few that have continued to read - Aunt Flo came to visit yesterday for the first time in three years. Now, I guess she's necessary for the whole 'lets have us some babies' deal, but she's still not a welcome houseguest. I have NOT missed her. I never bled through anything, I never had to go back home after I've already left in order to get my freaking 'supplies' (tampons people, tampons!) and I never had cramps.

Paradise. Freaking paradise.

Now, not so much. And just to make things worse, she's badder and bigger than ever. I am bleeding like a stuck pig. Since you can't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die, I am definitely NOT trustworthy. At this point, I don't trust myself. I'm going through my supplies so fast I keep on messing up and bleeding on things that shouldn't be bled upon.

People, this ain't normal.

And the cramping. Oh, Lordy. The cramping. I know people with fibroids will laugh at me and pregnant ladies will tell me that I have no idea what pelvic fullness really feels like, let alone pelvic contractions, but damn - for this amount of discomfort I better be birthing a bloody baby!*

So I'm gonna be pissed if we don't conceive relatively fast. Not 'cause I wanna get on with this whole life plan, hey - but 'cause then I can put the IUD back in and Aunt Flo can just fuck right off.

* Sorry for the run on sentence. I couldn't help myself. I'm not sorry for the alliteration. I didn't set out to do that, but I'm pleased with it. So there.

¿Que pasa?

So I'm going to Guatemala in, oh, about ten days. And I don't really know Spanish.

Now, this wouldn't be a problem if I was going down to do a medical Spanish immersion course like other smart people. But remember, hombres, I frequently ride the short bus. I'm going down as part of an international medicine elective. They expect me to already know Spanish.

Doh!

So I've bought Spanish in 10 Minutes a Day and Spanish for Health Care Professionals. The 10 Minutes book is quite cool - it comes with stickies you put around your house on stuff to help you learn vocabulary.

So far I can ask such thrilling questions like - ¿Quien es? (Who is it?) and ¿Cuarto es? (How much is it?) I've also learned that one of my friends from college is named Olivia Curtain, if you translate her last name. Who knew?

Which will really help me deal with that 3 year old well child visit... um, NOT. But at least now I can look stupid in three languages! Awesome.

On a completely different note, I've discovered a new source of fun - The Student Doctor Network! Now, I'm no longer a student doctor, ya'll. I'm an actual doctor. (No really!) (I swear!) But SDN does have forums for those of us in residency. Of course, my home forum - pediatrics - is kinda lame. But the emergency medicine forum is damn funny. The stickied threads definitely take the cake; especially the thread titled Things I Learn from my Patients. However, if you're offended by members of the healthcare workforce blowing off steam and complaining about the stupid stuff patients occasionally (or frequently, depending on the patient) do, or if you are easily offended in general - don't go looking at that thread. If you understand that humor is a coping mechanism, and is actually considered one of the healthier adaptive skills - go for it.

You have been warned.

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon...

Or in my case, four. Ya'll remember, I assume, the craze of yester-year - how everyone in Hollywood could be associated with Kevin Bacon within six degrees of separation - AKA Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. This means that everyone I know is connected to Kevin Bacon within five degrees. Of course, those of us who know me AND my brother-in-law remain separated by only four degrees.

There have been arguments in the literature that the world is really just 'small world' or a series of small worlds contained in the larger geographic world. Multiple studies have been done, and really, the research isn't all that bulletproof. But six degrees of separation did emerge as the mean value between people within related communities.

But anyway, I have ties to Hollywood! Here it is:

- my brother-in-law went to high school with Jamie Foxx
- Jamie Foxx was in Collateral with Tom Cruise
- Tom Cruise was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon

And just to make your reading pleasure greater, I've hooked each celebrity name up with a different link. That way, you can research all aspects of Baconhood, Foxxhood or Cruisedom!

Will the excitement never end?!?

I wish I was funny... or at least popular

Okay, my life is good. I don't really have any reason to complain... but I'm going to anyway.

I wish I had one of thos blogs that folks actually read. I wish I was funny.

'Cause I'm not - I'm clever, and sometimes whiney (is that spelled with or without the e? I don't know!), but not funny. It doesn't help that I think my life is boring, and I frequently have no clue what to write.

I think this blog might do better if I wrote longer posts... but my ADD won't really let me. I just can't concentrate long enough to create posts longer than about a screen. I know, I know, I don't fit the full DSM-IV criteria for adult ADD, but still.

Really, I have no reason to complain. I started this blog so that I would write - a pastime my profession doesn't encourage. Writing is for wussies - real doctors use abbreviations, super-microsized handwriting and sentences without conjunctions. I once swore I would never write like that... but I do. Routinely. Just for poops and giggles, I'm going to make up a fake history and physical below in docta-speak... so ya'll know how horrible doctor writing acutally is.

CC: fever
HPI: Pt isa 4 yo HA female (not written, but done as the symbol) c PMHx of sepsis presents c 4d cough, fever and sob. Denies nightsweats, chills, n/v/d, decr. po, decr. uop + malaise.
ROS neg x above
FHx = asthma, CAD, HTN, DM
SHx = daycare
PE (vitals listed first... then)
Gen - nontoxic, uncomfortable
HEENT - NCAT, EOMI, PERRLA, TM's clear B, MMM, OP clear, neck supple
Chest - CTA B, RRR no m/r/g
Abdom - +BS, soft, NT/ND, no HSM
Ext - wwp
GU - Tanner I, double down
Labs - none
Radiology - CXR shows RML infiltrate
A/P 4 yo female with pna
- cefurox x 10 days
- f/u with PCP

Yeah - so writing isn't my forte anymore. But damn it, with this blog I will become eloquent once again.

If it kills me!

People are dumb, um-kay...

I don't know why people with chronic, low-acuity problems seem to think that the ER is the best place to get answers. Why do folks think that, at 2pm on a Tuesday (or 3am on a Friday or whatever) doctors will suddenly have the magic bullet pill that will solve the patient's three year history of chronic recurrent abdominal pain most likely caused by an excess of shit and a paucity of fiber?

Why, why, why?!?

But such is life in the ER.

On the other hand, why do otherwise well intentioned but overworked public school officials think that medication all children will solve all discipline problems? And why do these same school principals get upset when, after sending the child to the ER (ya know, where we treat life-threatening emergencies), the ER docs are only able to rule out the stuff that might kill the child quickly (ya know, like emergent medical or pyschiatric problems)? No responsible physicain is going to hand out Ritalin from the ER!!! Just. Not Right.

Yargh. But hey, no one died in the ER today, so it was a good day.